the four right chords can make me cry

This has got to be one of the shittiest days in my life. Quite literally.

Oh today began well enough, don't get me wrong. Met hazel for breakfast, worship was good, message was good, DTC was ok, lunch was ok, going out with hazel was good.

But when I got home, I found out the new maid packed up my room and I got REALLY angry. I seriously never felt so angry in either my entire life, or a really really long time. Didn't help that my mum smugly informed me upon seeing the shocked-speechless look on my face "Oh, I told the maid to do it; she did a good job." I hurriedly ushered my mum out of the room, and released the anger behind the closed door. I really felt like screaming and throwing things about. But I didn't. I HATE it when people touch my stuff! And now I'm having exams so all my notes and things are in a particular order and the maid just comes in and piles everything (I have A LOT of things) into one gigantic pile and puts it under the table or in a drawer or somewhere and I totally CANT FIND ANYTHING. I'm so frustrated and pissed off I can't take it anymore and I begin giving very controlled squeals of pure anger and frustration (I don't want to scream out loud). You think it's funny? Seriously, I was angry enough at that point to... you don't want to go there. Nothing is where it's supposed to be! I open my clothes cupboard and she's "cleaned" that up too!!! I JUST CANNOT TAKE IT!!! All the clothes that I wear regularly are now at the bottom or stowed away somewhere. If you saw how angry I was, I think you would be so scared. None of you have ever even seen me one tenth that angry before.

So although my exam is tomorrow, and i still have so much to cover, I start putting things back where I want them to be. And as I do it, I have to fight the urge to throw breakable stuff on the floor. PISSED OFF. Of course I don't manage to get ANY work done, and I'm incredibly frustrated and angry when I go downstairs for dinner.

But through the whole thing I don't let myself blow up in front of the maid, or anyone else. Seriously, she's new, and she's just doing her job. Like when she cuts fruits for me, and twice already I've told her not to cut the skin off, she STILL DOES. But thats a small thing. My room, the order that I have (though none of you can see the order in the mess), IT WAS VIOLATED AND I WAS FREAKING ANGRY. But not at the maid, just really pissed off that I couldnt find anything and I wasted time meant to be studying.

Right so I calm down and start to study right then I "waste" more time cleaning up my dog's wound. (moist ezcema, patch nearly the size of a CD where he licked his own fur and skin off). After that, he acts very clingy, and I have no idea why. so I think maybe I should go give him some food. And when I go downstairs, I realized he's crapped on the floor. Now my dog is a really well-trained dog, so I realise what happened, the maid didn't walk him the last two days. ARGH. Probably under my mum's instructions who refuses to believe me that she heard the vet wrong. (cos it's an open wound, he said not to leave him outside, so she thinks that includes walks. But obviously flies won't land on the wound while he's out for a walk right? and there's a human there to ensure it!?!?) So with a suddenly pissed-off again mood, I pick up the poo. SIGH, and make my dog some food and clean up after him. I'm thinking to myself, thankfully it's quite dry. BUT. As I go up the stairs to finally try and study, I turn and look at the sitting room, and what do I see but a BIG puddle of dog pee. At that point, I really had it, I just said heck, I already cleaned the crap, let the maid handle that tmr, I REALLY need to study now. But when I got up to my room, I felt so guilty, I went back down and got on my hands and knees and cleaned it up. You think it's very easy?!?! The smell is so much worse than the crap, and it's a liquid. Standard proceedure, soak it up with newspaper, go over once with kitchen towel, and lastly mop up. The newspaper stage is the worse cos it seeps through and gets on your hands and drips. By the time I'm done I'm so incredibly frustrated and angry and WRATHFUL. But I still hug my dog to let him know that I'm not actually angry at him. He can't help it, he hasnt toileted in days. I can't help it, I need to blog this down as an outlet. I have an EXAM tomorrow that I am no where near prepared for. But I'm so angry...

Actually now I just want to sit here and cry. I'm not angry anymore, just really really really frustrated.

Suckiest part of it all is actually that they are at camp now, where I should be. But here I am stuck with exams I'm not ready for and things where they shouldnt be and cleaning dog excrement.

I know this unusually angry me is not the real me but a stress-induced me. But i guess I'm coping, I could control my anger pretty well. Who am I kidding... I AM STRESSED OUT >_<

EXAMS (i don't want to get kicked out of USP), camp, sick dog (I love my dog and I'm as stressed as a mother with a sick child but nobody understands cos they think he's "just" a dog), driving lessons that I can't afford to pay for, tuition, not having time to spend with people (I realised recently how little I know about what is going on), the guilt, the pressure. EXAMS.

posted by beckyboo @ 1:10 AM